It’s all just hard – June 27, 2020

If you’re anything like me, you’re tired. And you’re probably a good bit sad, too. The entire everything in the country has turned upside down. Maybe, like me, not only is the country messy, but your life is messy. Mine, too. I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I’m not gonna lie—I was a little mad at myself for not “getting it together” all the times I thought I should. Right? Like, c’mon, man… you’re ALIVE! Your family is alive! you’re able to work. You’ve been able to visit people and places. Every corner I turned offered a blessing.

And still.

I’d lie in bed at night and cry. Sad. Broken. Hurt.

All the ways I’ve been desperate to cope with pain — cooking for no one, working too much, driving around to absolutely nowhere — help at the moment, and then at night I have to be alone, with nothing to distract me and think about all the things in my heart… in my head.

I’m a crap mom.
I’ll never be a good wife. Or a girlfriend. Or date.
I’m a terrible friend.

I think about how I miss my granddaughters and my friends. I miss my kid.

I think about the friends I have that I didn’t know were racist, and now it’s so evident, I have to make hard choices. I’m thinking about how everything has turned into a political arm wrestle—where we stand on face masks; whether or not we believe the science of a virus; systemic racism; and, well, everything.

It’s all just hard.

Today I gave myself some grace—lots of it. I thought about all the things above, and all the things I hold a bit closer, and just allowed myself to feel it all. I allowed myself to feel the pain of it, to acknowledge that it hurt and that it wasn’t easy. I reminded myself that the enemy was real and his tactics were legit. I reminded myself that we’re still very much in the middle of more than one crisis. I gave myself the grace to not have the answers today. And probably not tomorrow either.

Maybe you’re there, too, friend. Feeling all the everything and a little bit mad at yourself for not just getting over it.
Maybe the point isn’t to get over it.
Maybe the whole point is to go through it.
Maybe the point is to allow ourselves to see truths, to miss things, to learn new things.
Maybe the whole point is to realize that this is precisely what we needed.
Maybe we needed to confront the things we’ve not really had the bandwidth to sit in because everything was moving too fast.
Maybe we are learning how to confront things we’ve been willfully denying or pleasantly giving a blind-eye to keep the peace.
Maybe God is allowing us to walk in this time and space for a purpose.
Maybe this is His attempt to grab our attention in a way that we’ve historically shut out or down.
Maybe He is keeping us here until we’re one with Him.
Maybe we’re in the perfect position to allow our souls to sing how we need Him.
Maybe…

Maybe it’s you. It is definitely me. Friend, beautiful soul, human who is loved well and deeply — this is not a fight you’re in alone. I know, I know, I know that it feels like you’re all alone, I feel that way, too, sometimes. It’s like we know we have friends and people who love us, but this shizz in our head is a bit too heavy for just anyone. I hope and pray that you have a person to help you carry your shizz. If you don’t, find someone, okay? I’ll help. Not one of us can walk through life alone, and we’re facing all sorts of things that are going to make the shizz in our head fuzzy, and messy, and hard.

If not one other person has said it to you today – I’m so so thrilled you’re alive. I’m glad that I know you. You are made for a purpose that only YOU can fill. I am praying for you. The Creator of the world is not done doing His work in you. This battle is His, and you will see victory! Keep feeling, growing, learning, leaning in, searching, seeking, hoping, and, of course, keep loving well.

Image may contain: text that says 'writing is wringing out your heart and rearranging its spilled blood into words and verses vic'

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s