I almost did it. Almost.

Yesterday was the first day I’d made it all the way to work without shedding one tear in I don’t know how long. It seems like forever, but of course, that’s silly. It’s been a hard few months. Year…

I was hoping, after yesterday’s success, that I was on the road to a tear-free commute. Mind you, they haven’t all been sad tears. Some of them are joyful, wretched, shameful, happy, whole, insufficient, worthless, earnest, etc… they’ve run the gamut of reasons to pour out from my eyeballs.

But, no. No, I wasn’t on the road to a tear-free commute at all. Unless, of course, I just stop listening to music or stop talking to God. That would make for a REALLY long, boring, and quiet ride.

Anyway, this morning… this is what did me in – it’s funny that some of these songs are the exact ones I was clinging to the last time I went through something distressing, back in 2006-2007.

Beauty From Pain – Superchic(k) – (I know, so old…)

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Surrender – Barlow Girl – (I know, so old…again)(I can’t help it, Pandora knows when my life is crazy!)

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with one
That’s committed to Your calling

Overcome – David Nevue

And, finally, Still Believe – Kim Walker-Smith

I believe, I believe You are who You say You are
You are the one who sees me, You’re the one who’s for me
You’re the one who knows me, every hair on my head
You created me, how You love me
You’re the one who has abundant help, abundant light for me
You’re the one who has joy for me, Jesus
I believe, I believe, I believe

The funny – err, ironic? – thing is that I finally feel freer than I have in a really long time… maybe in forever. I was talking to my pastor the other day and I think he summed it up well. I was telling him how withholding so many things, in my heart, from so many people I love, was making me physically ill. I had a hard time just making it through the day, and sometimes, I didn’t make it through the day at all… I would lie in bed. And cry. And pray. And cry out. And just be sick. And now, it’s been released. All of it. He told me that as believers, we just aren’t used to feeling pressed down or pressed into because we have learned how to turn it over to God and how to release those things. But, sometimes, when we *do* have to hold onto something, we feel those old feelings of holding onto things come back to us – like back when we didn’t know God. Back when we didn’t know what it was like to be free. And now that we know and understand that freedom, it’s hard to come under it and feel that pressing in again.

Anyway, this post is really about nothing. It’s about everything.

Don’t keep secrets – they make you sick.

Don’t listen to music that pulls at your heart – it’ll make you cry.

Talk to God often – He will fill you up and give you strength when no one else can.

Find some confidants – they will prove to be crucial when working through major life transitions.

Find something healthy to become addicted to – not oyster crackers, like me.

And that’s all, folks.