Okay, here’s to being truthful and transparent. I’ve been pretty broken over the last few months. I’m not sure why or where or what. But there it is. I’m in a place that I don’t seem to fit anymore and I’m trying to figure it all out. It’s been a gradual slide to this place I am now – I would say over the last couple years even. The only thing I can base it on is my son getting older and less dependent. Even worse (but, not really), he’s an adult now.
I’m officially no longer needed.
Please exit stage left.
Your job is done. You did all right. We’ll take it from here.
Thanks for your years of service. See YA!
Now what? What do I do with myself now? Everything I’ve based my life on for the last 19 years has been this man-child who is his own person (and thank God! That was my goal and purpose!).
My purpose. hmmph. Every time I think of the word “purpose” anymore, I feel like my heart breaks all over. I’ve done my purpose. I had one purpose and now it’s done. This is what empty nesting feels like when you’re a single parent. Because, all of a sudden, all at once, everything just seems g o n e.
I know, this isn’t sounding very much like thankfulness, right? =]
Here’s the thing. I’ve been holding this. Carrying it around and then putting on a mask just before I walked into that place where my friends were. I didn’t know how to verbalize what I was feeling to myself, much less to anyone else. I told one friend, I’m too single for the married people, I’m too much of a mom for the single people, and I’m too old or young to fit into any specific group of anyone… I’m just here in this empty space where I don’t matter.
But here is why I’m thankful… though my dearest friends *knew* something was going on – they all gave me space. They let me do some self processing, spend some time with Jesus, try to sort it all out. I had one who has repeatedly let me break down in her office (or mine) at work and just let me go through whatever it was with big old tears rolling down my face. I had another who brought me a canolli out of the blue because she just wanted to love me. I had another one who let me just be open and share my heart with her. She didn’t have anything for me but an ear to listen and that was all I wanted. I had another invite me for dinner and take extra time walking me to my car to try and understand where I was…
These things. These tiny little gestures of love and friendship are why I’m thankful today.